How To Get People To Listen To You

Have you ever struggled to communicate with someone? How does it feel? You might think that the person you're trying to reach doesn’t understand you, or this person doesn’t listen. You feel like there is a block between you and the person, almost like there is a physical barrier between you and the other person—a wall.

This blog is about how to break down that wall. You will learn how to get people to listen to you by learning how to effectively listen to them. Much of what I write in this blog I learned from the book ‘Just Listen’ by Mark Goulston and ‘How To Win Friends And Influence People’ by Dale Carnegie.

The three things you need to know about listening are:

1. You need to ask questions.

2. When someone answers your question you need to listen with genuine interest.

And

3. Keep your mouth shut.

Everyone wants to be heard. Even the shiest person sitting in the corner wants to be heard. Your son or daughter who reply with an ‘it was okay’ or an ‘eh’ when you ask them how was their day, they want to be heard. A spouse who either doesn’t communicate or when they do communicate it’s usually ends in a fight, they want to be heard. The reason why it seems as though they have no interest in communicating is because they think no one’s listening, they think no one knows how they feel and they think no one understands them. And that feeling is the wall separating you from them.

Last year I was one of the coordinators for the Bay Ridge Toastmaster’s Youth Program where Pessy, a fellow toastmaster, and I taught public speaking to 6 to 8^th graders. When we started the program, the principal of the school said he had some kids in mind. He wanted us to teach the kids who didn’t speak up during class.

So we met with the potential students, and I pitched the class to them. I told them all about the benefits of public speaking. As I made my pitch, they sat quietly, and politely listned. But they didn’t say anything. At the end of my pitch, I asked the group of students if they were interested in the class. Not one student said a word. They all just sat there smiling at me, like I was some weirdo. It wasn’t until the principal said he would give them ‘full service hours’ for taking the class that we had about 10 students signed up.

The agreement was that the students would show up once a week for eight weeks, and at the end of eight weeks they will receive their service hours. So, we did the class, ad by the end of the eight weeks all the kids were talking. We were having a lot of fun. If you were to walk into the class by the end of the semester, you would have never thought that it was a class filled with the shiest students in the schoo. Evey one of the students spoke up, and when I spoke to them, they listened.

I decided to continue doing the class at the end of the eight weeks, and all the students stayed in the class.

How did manage to connect with these kids—who seemed to have a penetrable wall put up?

At first, I tried to make the class exciting through charisma. That didn’t work because I’m not charismatic and they weren’t buying it. But what started working was my genuine interest in these kids. I would come in and ask them questions.

I would come into class say, “Michelle, I read this article in the news today, I’m interested in how you feel about it? Xio, what do you think about it? Vicky, what’s your views on the presidential election? Kelly, how do you feel about what this person said during the race?” The most important part of this trick is to be genuine. I really cared about what they thought and felt. And that made all the difference.

It was a small class, and one day all the students except one, had to do a rehersal for graduation. So when I showed up, there was only that one student in the class. I asked her if she wanted to just cancel the class and she said no. I said to her okay. I had a lesson plan, but since most of the students are not present we we’re going to do something different. Now I knew that this girl, Michelle, liked to draw anime, so I told her that for this class you will teach me how to draw. I sat down with a pencil she loaned me, and I tried my best. For two hours we drew anime characters. And this went a long way to my credibility. Like I said before, by the end of the semester they would come into class, and say, “Brian look at this K-pop video. What do you think of this song?” They opened up because they knew I would listen. And I cared. This also meant that when I talked, they listened.

Another principle of listening you need to know is empathy is a sensory function, and anger is a motor function. Two different parts of the brain are operating when you’re experiencing these two emotions, and you cannot experience them at the same time. Goulston, the author of ‘Just Listen’ says, that you need to think of anger and empathy as matter and anti-matter—they cannot exist in the same place at the same time.

When two people argue, one person feels attacked and they feel the need to defend themselves. So they’ll say, “I’m trying to tell you something but you’re not listening to me.” The other person will perceive that statement as an attack, and they’ll feel a need to defend themselves. So they’ll reply with, “I’m trying to listen to you but you keep on yelling at me.” Then the other person will perceive that as an attack, and you’ll have a back and fort—a never-ending cycle that ends in stalemate. In the end, both sides feel anger to the other. Once you have this there will be an invisible wall between the two people.

How do you break down this wall if you are ever in such a situation?

You do it by replacing their feelings of anger towards with feelings empathy towards you. And you build empathy from the other person by being empathetic towards them. I used to have a difficult time talking to my sister. She’s the type who shows her affection by solving your problems. So when I tried to open up to her, she would say, “What you need to do is...” She was always prepared with some advice for me. And I would refuse to take her advice because I felt she just didn’t understand.

One time I was speaking to her and she interrupted me with some of her advice. I got mad. I said, “Dee I’m trying to tell you something, I don’t want your advice. I don’t want you to fix my problems. I just want you to listen.” Instead of becoming defensive from my little outburst my sister just okay, speak. So, I started telling her about my trials and tribulations, and she just sat there and nodded her head to what I was saying. After ten minutes of speaking, I looked at her and said, “so what do you think I should do?” She looked at me flabbergasted, and said, “you just said you didn’t want me to tell you what to do.” I told her I did, but now I want to know what she thought.

What changed was I felt she understood me, and after that happened I was more primed to take her advice and work with her with a solution.

So remember the rules of listening.

1. Ask questions.

2. Listen with genuine interest.

3. Resist the urge to speak, and keep your mouth shut.

What To Write In Your Journal?

Since my teenage years I always wanted to journal. When I finally put pen to paper, I did around one entry every two weeks. Months would go by without a single entry. You see, I’m a guy, and the feeling of curling up in bed writing, ‘dear diary’ didn’t make me comfortable. But when I started getting into it my life changed.

In this entry, I will show you the priceless benefits of journaling. I will also show you the dos and don'ts of making your journaling work for you.

Let’s start with the don’ts. Don’t go out and buy a fancy pen or a fancy journal. This is not simply a matter of personal preference. If you go out, and buy a ten-dollar journal you will be hampering yourself, and I’ll tell you why. Fancy fountain pens and fancy journals encourage fancy writing, which is not the purpose of journaling. Journaling is about organizing and recognizing your thoughts and feelings. It is also about learning how to control your thoughts and emotions. The work you do with your journal is more methodical than creative. Phonetics, poetry, spelling and grammar are all useless when it comes to this type of work.

The second don’t is writing when you feel like writing. When I first started writing in my journal, I would wait for something catastrophic or euphoric to happen before I put pen to paper. Remember when you journal the goal is to grow as a person. And you can’t grow in anything if you only measure progress periodically. To better understand and control your emotions it is a must that you write in your journal daily.

Now it’s time for the dos. Because you need to write everyday in your journal, you’ll first need to schedule a time to write. Don’t be overly ambitions with this at the beginning. I suggest that you allocate 15 minutes a day during your lunch break, which is how I got started.

Now that you have a time allotted for your journal work, you will now need to get your supplies. You’ll need a comfortable pen that writes well. I use the Pilot G2 Fine/0.7mm. These pens are very common, and you could get them at your local pharmacy. I buy them 16 at a time from Amazon. The next things you will need are the journals themselves. Again, you’ll need something comfortable and simple—either legal pads or marble notebooks. I use the marble notebooks myself—the cheaper the better.

There you have it. To get started, all you need is a G2 pen, a cheap notebook and fifteen minutes of your time. This is an exercise that is as easy and convenient to do as push-ups or crunches. The only difference is this workout will make you mentally fit. It will reduce your anxiety, make you a happier person, help you with your interpersonal relationships and it will also help you achieve your goals.

So you have your time, place, pen and notebook. What now? I suggest you start with the most simple and most powerful of the exercises, which is a gratitude journal. You don’t want to mix your gratitude journal with your affirmations journal or your dream journal, so make sure and have a specific journal just for your gratitude journaling. The entry for this journal is simple. Just list ten things you’re grateful for. It sounds too simple to be effective. But doing this is more effective than any happy pill out there on the market.

I must admit, when you first start this it will feel awkward, and the benefits are not immediately apparent. When I made my first entry, I struggled to come up with ten things. But I stuck with it. Needing to put anything on paper, I would write, ‘I’m grateful for my shoes’ and ‘I’m grateful for the slice of pizza I ate’. But as I practiced, I developed the ability to come up with my list quickly. Not only that, I also recognized the things that kept popping up on my list. And I would put them in my journal day after day. If you had asked me what I was grateful for before I started this journal I would have struggled to answer you. Now if you were to ask what I’m grateful for, I wouldn’t hesitate to say, ‘my loving family, my life, God, the country I live in, my freedom, my childhood…’ This is what the gratitude journal will do for you. It will remind you of all the things in this world you should be grateful for and that will go a long way in making you a happier person.

Once you’re regularly writing entries in your gratitude journal, and you feel like you’re up to expanding your mental exercises, I suggest you move onto a general journal. Think of your general journal as your personal psychologist or psychiatrist who can’t prescribe you meds or have you committed. When you put in an entry in your general journal just write whatever you feel, and imagine your journal replying with a simple ‘uh ha’ and ‘how did that make you feel?' The only thing you have to remember when writing in this journal is that your journal can’t have you committed to the psych ward in a hospital, so say whatever you wish. Just make sure the snoopy person in your life doesn't get a hold of it.   

If you’re up for it, another journal you should have is an affirmation journal. The key to affirmations is understanding that it does not give you permission to be grandiose. Writing, I’m the greatest tennis player God ever created, is actually counter productive. Instead, write, I am tennis player who continually gets better with practice or I’ll achieve my goal of becoming a great tennis player by practicing for three hours everyday. If you tell yourself that every morning you will see a difference in your game by the end of the year.

Another thing you need to remember with affirmations is not to have too long of a list. Narrow it down. It is difficult to keep track of fifty different affirmations, even if you’re writing them everyday. Instead keep your list low—no more than three.

If you’re still up for more journaling here is another one for you. Keep a Work Performance journal. The title of this blog is winsabovereplacement, which is a baseball term for the additional value do you provide compared to a generic performer. So if you’re an assistant, what value will your boss lose if she was to replace you with a replacement assistant. For some people their boss or business will gain value if they were to be replaced. But if you had a Work Performance Journal this will definitely not be the case. For your Work Performance journal simply start with this question, ‘what are three things I need to do to be a better tennis player/golfer/father/wife/ mother/whatever? You then list three things you think you need to do to improve your performance. You should answer this question with the same three answers day after day with some flexibility. For example you could write, ‘wake up at 4am every morning’, but you may want to replace that with ‘work on your backhand for an extra fifteen minutes after practice’. If that is the case then feel free to do so.

After you write your list of the three things you need to do to be better at your job or career, you will then write a list of positives (+) and deltas (/\) at the end of your workday. This is something I picked up from my boss. Positives are the things you did well, and the deltas are the things you should change. By doing these exercises before and after your workday you will become irreplaceable at your job at the end of six months. And that can be for anything, whether you are trying to be a better boss, employee, spouse or parent.

My final journal recommendation is to have a dream journal. I am the least consistent with this journal—writing about one entry a week—but I do know people who swear by it. If this is something you think you will like, then by all means.

The benefits of journaling are just as important as reading. It is a phenomenal mental exercise. It will lead to self-discovery. It will help you organize your thoughts and emotions. And most importantly it will give you a level of control over your feelings. If you are interested in growing as a person then journaling is a must.   

Putting Your Team Together

I saw a video of a military officer describing what it takes to complete Navy Seal training. He said when you see a soldier coming into BUDs training looking like the star quarterback, you know the chances of him making it to the end is slim. It’s the guys who work as a team that make it to the end. Seal teams with the shortest and weakest men outperform the bigger stronger guys because the worked as a team. 

While I am no Navy Seal, I have seen this principle in every job I ever worked. It wasn’t the amount of work you had to do, or how much you got paid, or how difficult the work was, what it all came down to was how well you worked with your coworkers. I once worked in a hospital where I was floated to work different units. When given the choice to choose, I would pick the units where the staff worked well together even if it meant I would have been busy on my feet for the entire shift. 

For you this means two things. First, you must not try to be the star quarterback and try to conquer life’s challenges on your own. Second, you must be weary and excited about who you surround yourself with in all aspects of your life. This includes friends, coworkers, employers, employees, and family. 

When building a team you need to focus on quality rather than quantity. In the age we live in, more and more people are working hard at improving their network through social media. I understand why this is necessary, but too much focus on building quantity will ultimately lead to a loss of focus in quality. An example of this would be spending time on social media while ignoring your family at home. 

Think of yourself as a a soldier in BUDs training, trying to survive the six months of grueling training with your team. As a team player, you would notice when a teammate is being challenged by a drill instructor, and needs someone to tell him, ‘keep going. You’re doing good'. There might be times when you might have shoulder an extra load when other team members get tired. As a team player you will not be angry with another member for making a mistake, which might cost you eating your food in the cold ocean. This mentality does not only give you strength it also means you could tap into the strength of others when you are at your weakest. Because if you work at helping others in need, most of those people will take notice. And when you’re at your weakest, they will be there to help you in return. 

So, focus on building your team. If you don’t like the people you work with, it is time you start getting ready for a change. If your friends are leading you down the wrong path, then start working on making new friends. The people in your family are a little bit more tricky. You simply cannot change your mother or father, and getting a divorce is a major decision. While there may be times to end communication with a parent or ending a marriage, I suggest that you don’t make those decisions with haste. Understand that your relationship with your family is the most vital when it comes to your happiness. Think of them as your fellow soldiers who are dealing with their own struggles. Be there for them. Listen to them. Take a genuine interest in their lives. Work hard at cultivating your relationship with your family, not just because it will make you more happy, but also because you want them to be happy. 

If the time does come when you feel that you desperately need to be separated from a family member then you should. It sounds harsh, but keeping someone close to you and constantly in your life because of honor isn’t logical. If you do it out of love, then that’s another story. 

What qualities should you look for when you’re building a team. First, you need to find people you trust. Trust is more important than beauty and riches combine. Being surrounded by people you trust will not only make you happy, it will also make you prosperous. There are two kinds of societies, high-trust societies and low trust societies. Prosperity happens in high-trust societies, and corruption happens in low trust societies. This can be seen in the macro level in countries. Countries where the people, government, and cooperations trust each other there is a lot of prosperity. And when the people, government, and cooperations lose trust each other it creates an environment ripe for corruption, where there are losers and people slightly better off than losers. 

This same principle happens on the micro level of families, workplaces, and among friends. For you to be happy and prosperous you need to trust the people surrounding you and they need to trust you. If you do not trust the people in your life, you will be in a never ending battle. 

The next quality you need to seek as you put together your team is confidence and optimism. My sister once told me a story about Thomas Edison. She said when he was a child, Thomas Edison got a letter from his school to give to his mother. When his mother read it, she told the young Edison what was said in the letter. She told him that because he was so smart the school wasn’t the right environment for someone with his capabilities, and they wanted her to send him to a school for gifted children. His mother then told him that she wouldn’t send him to a school for gifted children, but instead home school him. 

Thomas Edison went on to become the great inventor we all know, and when his mother died he found the letter the school had sent to her. When he read it he realized that the letter said that the school believed he had learning disabilities, and suggested that his mother put him in a school for special children.

I never fact checked this story because it will break my heart if I find out it isn't true. I love it because it shows the power of someone believing in you. Genghis Khan’s mother believed he was destined to conquer the world. Sigmund Freud’s mother believed he was destined for great things. And the mother of Alexander the Great believed that he was the son of Zeus. 

Another story that I love was a study done where students were randomly separated into two classes. The teachers in one class was told that the children were intellectually gifted. In the other class the teachers were told that the students were intellectually challenged. As you would expect, the students in the class where the teachers believed they were gifted received higher marks on exams than the ones where the teachers believed they were intellectually challenged. I kept this study in mind when I thought a group of junior high school students. I went into the class with the knowledge that my belief in them would go a long way. And when I started teaching them with that belief in mind, they rewarded me by proving me right. And the more they proved me right the more I believed in their abilities. I am proud to say that by the end of the class the students all did remarkably well. 
So, when looking to put together your team, understand the power of your belief in them and their belief in you.

You Can Get Used To Anything

You can get used to anything. Before you begin following any of the instructions in this blog or anything for that matter, it is essential that you ingrain that concept into your brain. You can get used to anything. 

I remember when my older sister left the house to live with her now husband. They moved into a basement apartment in Queens near Laguardia International Airport. I was there when they moved and I remember what it was like when the first airplane flew over the house. The entire basement literally shook. It was extremely loud. And Laguardia being one of the most busiest airports in the country, the planes kept flying over. Every minute we would be interrupted by the loud noises and the shaking. My sister was worried about never being able to get used to the constant barrage of airplanes flying so close over her basement apartment. 

I visited my sister a month later, and just like before, an airplane would rattle the apartment as it flew over. But this time she didn’t seem to be bothered by it. It was like she didn’t even notice that a 747 jet just flew right over her house. When we asked her about it, she said she had gotten used to it. It didn’t stop her from getting any sleep. It was just another part of life. 

Fast forward a few years. My sister had gotten married, and she and her husband had enough money to buy a house and start a family. After they bought their new house, I went to their house warming. The new house was amazing. Their basement was larger than the basement apartment they moved from. They had a basketball hoop and a grill in their back yard, and they also had a beautiful fireplace. But the thing they loved most about their new house was it wasn’t anywhere the airport. No longer would a plane fly right over their house. Joe told me that she never realized how loud those planes were. Well, as I explained before, she did. She had just forgotten. 

The point of this story is you can get used to anything, good or bad. You can get used to facing down danger at any turn or fleeing from it. You can get used to optimism or pessimism, happiness or sadness. And once your brain gets used to something it does not want to let it go. 

The reason why this is such an important concept for this book is if you’re used to feeling sad or pessimistic then you would want to hold onto those feelings because you have grown to be accustomed to it. Secondly, if you are used to feeling sad or depressed then you may have the belief that you are incapable of happiness. You may think that something is wrong with you and happiness is for other people. But you can feel happiness. If you want it, it could happen. But first you must believe it could happen. 

Changing habits and feelings takes time and a ton of perseverance. But once you change your habits you will see the difference. When you make the change you will be like my sister Joe when she moved away from the airport the change was like moving from night to day. So, it will be for you. If you are sad or depressed right now, follow the guidelines and principles in this book and you will be amazed at how drastically your life can change. And the most amazing part is you have the power to change it.

This Blog

What is the opposite of happiness? For the purposes of this blog, the answer is not what you may think, which is sadness. Sadness has a temporary quality to it. Feelings of depression and melancholy however, are considered to be more permanent states of mind. So, for the purposes of this blog, the opposite of happiness is depression, and the opposite of sadness is joy. You could make dinner plans with an attractive person on Monday, and that will bring you joy. Those same dinner plans could be canceled by Wednesday, and that will bring you sadness. The emotions of sadness and happiness alters with the changes of circumstances. Happiness and depression however, are less easily swayed. The difference between a depressed person and a happy person is with a happy person, bad things have difficult time bringing them down, and with a depressed person, good things have a difficult time bringing them up. 

Think of happiness, depression, and joy in terms of the biblical parable of the wise man who built his house on a rock. If you are familiar with the story, you know that the wise man who built his house on a rock did not see his house perish when the floods came. The foolish man’s house however, came down with a great crash when the floods came because he built his house on a foundation of sand. If you are a depressed person, and you rush to replace those empty feeling with joyous things, like partying, a new car, a new job, a new boyfriend or girlfriend, you will see those things washed away with the first floods. However, if you first seek to build a foundation of happiness, then the joys you build on top of it would not be washed away. We see this all the time when observing people. Some people seem to have it all, the nice car, the rich house, the beautiful family, yet they always manage to find something to upset about. Then there are those you have much less than us, and we envy them for their contentment and happiness. 

You’re reading this blog, so I can assume that you already believe what I have said to be true. This blog is not a how to on how to pick up girls or make quick money or make more friends. The readers of this book already know that those things can only bring temporary joy, but it can’t bring that more eternal state of happiness. You are searching for what I have searched for in my life. I have read many books, and experimented with many techniques and philosophies on myself. After many years of hard work and study, I am beginning to see a change. Most days I wake up happy and optimistic. This gives me the energy and wisdom to seek out, find and cultivate things that will bring me more joy. My happiness gave me the strength to write this, which I write for a reader who I imagine is much like myself. The exercises throughout this blog are purposely simple, and easy to follow. They are procrastination and anxiety proof. So, please join me on your journey to a more happy life.